. (oceanicundertow) wrote in thehalfwayhouse,

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Emotionally, I've put myself into a box. Nothing can touch me, right? Er, that'll be wrong, then.
Even now... I'm so tightly wrapped up that I can't break down. I just can't. I can't do it anymore.

Okay... let's do it in catagories... I so didn't spell that right...

Ever since I moved in with Hev, my eating has slid. Really badly. Like... just crap, really. It's like I'm not even focusing on my weight anymore, I don't CARE about my weight, I just care about my stomach being empty. In fact if I stay at this weight because I totally stunt my metabolism [likely] then I don't think I'll be too upset, you know? Life is so much easier when... it does not revolve around food. Like, at all. On the 19th of June, I tried to start a calorie-controlled 'diet' [arf] and it slid from 800 cals a day to... um... averaging about 200 now.

I've completely stopped bingeing, and have thus, stopped purging. I am really pleased about that, but I am afraid that, if I start eating, I'll start ... eating everything.

I have other coping methods in place now, negative and positive ones.

The negative:
1-3 bottles of wine a night
Pack of cigs a day
Boiling hot showers

The positive:
Long walks, enjoying the scenery
Hugs from friends
Making an effort to have a social life

But here's the catch. My negative coping methods are expensive. I have now totally run out of money for like... the next... three weeks. No food, no alcohol, and no cigarettes. And... that's a really scary thought for me. I could possibly, POSSIBLY fast for three weeks if it was out of necessity, especially the way I feel right now* but I usually rely on alcohol and cigs to get me through really long fasts...

I dunno... I have some... ryvita in the cupboard. And my flatmate would feed me if I asked her for food. It's not a desperate situation. I just like to have money.

Okay, so... *how I'm feeling right now... I fell in love with a girl, and... I told her. And she came right back with, oh, okay, I don't like you, I like your flatmate. And... here's the tricky bit.

My flatmate is a bit of a mess at the moment. I'm... looking after her, taking control, I hug her a lot, make sure she's okay, she always comes to me when she has a problem, and I'm really trying to help her. But see, the girl I fell for, she knows I've got, er, 'issues'. And she said to me, oh, yeah, you can talk to my sister if you need someone to talk to you know. I was like, great, thanks... What a kick in the teeth... This girl I fell for thinks I'm a loonatic, and I'm not even good enough for her [whatever, hehe, I'm trying not to think like that! It's negative! BAD thought!] and she's like, you obviously need help, palming me off on her nearest relative... Nice... Meanwhile... my flatmate isn't even sure if she's even bisexual let alone gay, but... this girl is so amazing... well... I think she's my flatmate's type. I think they'd be good together.

But I feel really... flattened by the whole thing, and it's inspiring me not to eat, because it hurts so much. Especially that comment about, I can talk to her sister. Because... she doesn't know me. She doesn't know how I hold my flatmate up. She thinks it's vice versa. I guess I'm trying not to care about what she thinks of me, really, because what the fuck does it matter now, right? I just feel sad, that she got the wrong impression. I feel worried for my flatmate.

I feel worried for myself.

I can't hold myself up like this for much longer. I certainly cannot support my flatmate if she begins a relationship, or dates at the very least, the first girl I have had a mega crush on in about two years. The first girl I openly talked about as a crush, and the first girl I liked since I came out properly. My flatmate gets paranoid and upset quite easily. She's vulnerable. I'm not sure, horribly, if I could handle her extreme happiness with this girl. But... if she ends up hurt? Or heartbroken?

I don't think I could handle that.

My flatmate is fast becoming one of the closest friends I've had in a long time. The girl I fell for is really into going out and socialising and stuff, and I'm worried I'll lose my flatmate as a friend, but I think I'm also worried that, if anything does become of them... I'll come home from work and find them snuggled on the couch...

Oh my god.
Now that thought hurt.

Any advice, anyone?

x-posted to my own eljay
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